My mom found a wonderful article for me yesterday in the April 2011 Ensign. It's called "Faith and Infertility," and I recommend reading it (just click here), simply because it gives great insight into that struggle. I greatly admire those women who were able to put into beautiful words how the disease of infertility has affected their lives.

For some reason, I haven't been able to find those words. I've written several blog posts trying to say how I feel but I always shy away from it. It can't be because I don't want people to know, because most people who read this blog know already, and if you care enough to read it you probably deserve to know. It might be because I don't want my blog to focus on my infertility. My blog is (usually) a happy, cheerful journal and record of the fun things that Jordan, Lexi, and I do. We have a lot of good times and we are usually very happy. But infertility is such a huge part of my life right now that I feel like I need to mention it, at least once in a while. And it does fall into the category of "The Adventures of Jordan and Jamie." Unfortunately, it's more like one of those adventures where you are being chased by zombies and you aren't sure if you are going to survive.

We've been battling infertility for about a year and a half now. It only took six months before my doctor and I realized there was a problem. I've had surgery and have been on multiple medications and we have gone through multiple fertility treatments. Each one has failed. Each month it's a slap in the face.

I related to this quote from the Ensign article: "That's the ultimate goal, isn't it, to get married and have a family? I still knew I was a daughter of God, but I hated that I couldn't be a co-creater with him. I felt broken, like I wasn't a real woman." This is a very good description of how I feel a lot of the time. Broken. Unworthy to have a child. And even though part of me knows it isn't true, the larger part feels that way.

We greatly appreciate all the prayers that have been sent our way. I get tears in my eyes any time anyone says, "We've been praying for you." Because, really, that's all anyone can do for us. It's such an act of love. And even when I feel like everything is so dark, and hopeless, I can feel those prayers and the love of my family and friends.

I've been looking for an "Infertility Etiquette" article to post on here, just because some people don't know what to say. I can't find the perfect one, so I'm just going to summarize: The only thing you can say that is actually helpful is, "I'm sorry. What you are going through is really terrible. It sucks, and I hate that you are experiencing it." That's it. Everything else (advice, stories about other couples, etc) is well-meaning but not helpful.

Anyway. I don't plan to dwell on this on my blog, I just wanted all you out there to be aware, and thank friends and family publicly for praying for us. We really appreciate it and love you for it!